Smh...

It's fucked up.

I made myself frustrated last night when the intention was getting her frustrated.

It's all fucked up now.

I can't believe it. FACK!!!

My God daughter

Song of the day: Chris Brown - Turnt Up

I really only like the production. Got this shit on repeat.

My god daughter Carolyn is...a diva already. Today is her birthday and she's turned 5.

I remember it just like it was yesterday when I held her as a newborn in the hospital. My boy James called me up to announce she was born, and I was happy for him. Then he said, "Nigga ain't you coming to the hospital to see her?" And I was like I know probably family and such was bombarding the poor girl already and that I'll catch up when she leaves the hospital. Then James said, "Aight, fine you don't wanna meet your goddaughter now?"

I hopped in the car so fast.

It's a honor and privilege when a new parent selects you to be a god parent. Means they truly appreciate you as a friend and they know if anything should happen to them you would step up in looking out for their child.

Carolyn is rambunctious lil thing. She is a handful. She loves Dora the Explorer. She was scared of vacuums. As a toddler she used to try to take the earring off my ear, she loves Beyonce, had me singing "to the left, to the left" countless times, she's smart as hell, and she asked me to have a baby lol.

She's really like my own daughter. She called me up one day and told me to come back, don't get killed. Man if that wasn't reason enough to stay alive and come back then I dunno what was. She was so happy to see me, that when I tried to leave, she cried and I had to stay and waited til she fell asleep while we watched back to back spongebob. We disagree on his stupidity.

Happy birthday muffin. "Chrissy" loves you.

Song of the day: Akon - Mama Africa.

Tired.

So tired.

This girl kept me up til four explaining how she would attack me.

I now fear for my life, actually I'm too tired to care.

Night night.

My heart...

I think I might go into a deep depression.

I mean...I miss her. Sleek and beautiful. It's like she always fitted in the palm of my hand. I never planned to let her go.

I listened to her while I tune everybody else out.

She made me laugh, smile, think, while I watched her every move. Everytime I touched her she became alive.

It hurts. She's an extension of me.

I never felt so helpless.

Took care of her, with the upmost respect and I couldn't bear letting anybody else near her. She was that precious to me.

I don't know what to do. I can't replace her, she contains something within her. My life. The words she conveyed are etched in my mind, I can't comprehend it, no I don't because I know that there's a way! There has to be. I can't bear it anymore, I just can't.

She and I will be reunited. I just don't care anymore. I can't sit and ponder about this any longer.

My baby...

I just need for you to talk into my ears again...

First things first...

I Poppa, freaks all the honeys...

Naw lol, I could, but I won't.

*sways my head from side to side like Stevie* Happy birthday to ya! Happy Birthday!

I was thinking of a birthday poem to come up with but eh...don't have the creativity within me to come up with anything at this moment.

SO!

Here's to you babe:



Don't get too tipsy.

I'm warning you...



I'm just doing this since you're all image trigger happy lol.

Love you babe.

Find a way...

Song of the day: Dwele - Subject

I get a kick out of you. Trust baby I confide in your love. Time away makes me come back to... You can't deny.

Anyway that we coincide is love. All we know is to love with our souls. While dripping love's liquor...

I get a kick...out of you.

Trust me baby I confide, I confide...

Something tells me you and I should never be alone...

Soon baby you and I will be...dadadada

Too mellow, I'm telling you, you bring out in me...

A dripping romantic writer I...get kick out of you. Whew...

As long as the sun will shine ahh

As far as the sky will fly by I...

Get a kick of you...


Totally sidebar: barnes and nobles bookstore has literally turned into a hangout spot for people to sit on the floor and read the books for free. Wtf?

Why?

Song of the Day Lorenz - Danse Avec Moi.

Yeah so, why?

One thing I have noticed that is very odd is how you'll give someone something you've written to read and they read it and the first thing they say after they've finished reading—or rather, the first question they ask—is, "Did this really happen?"

There are variations. Sometimes it'll be, "Whoa, did that really happen?" or "Did this actually happen to you?" and so on, but they're all really the same thing at heart. I believe this has happened to everybody who has ever given someone something they've written to read. Don't lie. It's true.

Usually, the answer's no. I don't think it's ever been yes, unless it's a sarcastic yes which is the same thing as the answer no. It's weird, really. Why are people compelled to think that whatever you wrote actually happened, usually to you? Most people who write casually don't write nonfiction, because that requires time and research and professionalness. It's like asking Tolkien, "Whoa, did all this really happen to you?," like yeah, it did all happen to Tolkien, and he just decided to give all the places and characters different names—he was really Frodo, and who knows who all those other people and places were?

I'm not sure, but I think it's this wish inside everybody—yes, everybody, everybody who's ever really really enjoyed a good fantasy, at least—that if they really like the world, why can't it be real? It should be real. Even if what you're writing is just something that could easily have happened and the only reason it didn't happen is just because it didn't, people still kind of want it to be, even if they don't care. But usually, it's because people just want this fantasy stuff to be real. It's like, admit it, you know you were disappointed when your closet didn't opened up to Narnia, 'cause I was—there's that feeling that you want Harry Potter to be true and magic and everything, even though you know it's not, because deep inside you both know it's true and just a good piece of fiction. You at least want to be like Alice in Wonderland in a dream.

It's like, what, do they think you have no imagination? That you have to draw everything out from your life? Anything that sounds plausible must have happened, even if it's implausible, and it's kind of weird.

It's the same thing with drawing. You draw a person and someone sees it and they say, "Who is that?" or "Who did you draw?" but usually it's the first one. And when they say who is that, you can just tell they don't mean, "Who is this person that you've made up?," they mean "Who is this person in real life that you must know?" And you're just sitting there thinking what, am I not allowed to come up with some random face out of my head? The answer, of course, is no, you're not. Everything's got to be real and fiction must secretly be nonfiction. The question can't ever be, "Whoa, where'd you get that cool idea?" and the comment can't ever be "Nice drawing," and god forbid you get constructive criticism— "You're missing a comma there that should be a semicolon that character's acting a little flat the head's a bit out of proportion the face doesn't look very realistic."

The worst part is the look on their face or that feeling where you know they're going to say it, but you never just say, "No, it didn't really happen," before they can ask, just because.

There is such a thing as fiction. Accept it for the stuff that could have happened but probably didn't.

But it's still okay to want to go to Narnia.