Smh...

It's fucked up.

I made myself frustrated last night when the intention was getting her frustrated.

It's all fucked up now.

I can't believe it. FACK!!!

My God daughter

Song of the day: Chris Brown - Turnt Up

I really only like the production. Got this shit on repeat.

My god daughter Carolyn is...a diva already. Today is her birthday and she's turned 5.

I remember it just like it was yesterday when I held her as a newborn in the hospital. My boy James called me up to announce she was born, and I was happy for him. Then he said, "Nigga ain't you coming to the hospital to see her?" And I was like I know probably family and such was bombarding the poor girl already and that I'll catch up when she leaves the hospital. Then James said, "Aight, fine you don't wanna meet your goddaughter now?"

I hopped in the car so fast.

It's a honor and privilege when a new parent selects you to be a god parent. Means they truly appreciate you as a friend and they know if anything should happen to them you would step up in looking out for their child.

Carolyn is rambunctious lil thing. She is a handful. She loves Dora the Explorer. She was scared of vacuums. As a toddler she used to try to take the earring off my ear, she loves Beyonce, had me singing "to the left, to the left" countless times, she's smart as hell, and she asked me to have a baby lol.

She's really like my own daughter. She called me up one day and told me to come back, don't get killed. Man if that wasn't reason enough to stay alive and come back then I dunno what was. She was so happy to see me, that when I tried to leave, she cried and I had to stay and waited til she fell asleep while we watched back to back spongebob. We disagree on his stupidity.

Happy birthday muffin. "Chrissy" loves you.

Song of the day: Akon - Mama Africa.

Tired.

So tired.

This girl kept me up til four explaining how she would attack me.

I now fear for my life, actually I'm too tired to care.

Night night.

My heart...

I think I might go into a deep depression.

I mean...I miss her. Sleek and beautiful. It's like she always fitted in the palm of my hand. I never planned to let her go.

I listened to her while I tune everybody else out.

She made me laugh, smile, think, while I watched her every move. Everytime I touched her she became alive.

It hurts. She's an extension of me.

I never felt so helpless.

Took care of her, with the upmost respect and I couldn't bear letting anybody else near her. She was that precious to me.

I don't know what to do. I can't replace her, she contains something within her. My life. The words she conveyed are etched in my mind, I can't comprehend it, no I don't because I know that there's a way! There has to be. I can't bear it anymore, I just can't.

She and I will be reunited. I just don't care anymore. I can't sit and ponder about this any longer.

My baby...

I just need for you to talk into my ears again...

First things first...

I Poppa, freaks all the honeys...

Naw lol, I could, but I won't.

*sways my head from side to side like Stevie* Happy birthday to ya! Happy Birthday!

I was thinking of a birthday poem to come up with but eh...don't have the creativity within me to come up with anything at this moment.

SO!

Here's to you babe:



Don't get too tipsy.

I'm warning you...



I'm just doing this since you're all image trigger happy lol.

Love you babe.

Find a way...

Song of the day: Dwele - Subject

I get a kick out of you. Trust baby I confide in your love. Time away makes me come back to... You can't deny.

Anyway that we coincide is love. All we know is to love with our souls. While dripping love's liquor...

I get a kick...out of you.

Trust me baby I confide, I confide...

Something tells me you and I should never be alone...

Soon baby you and I will be...dadadada

Too mellow, I'm telling you, you bring out in me...

A dripping romantic writer I...get kick out of you. Whew...

As long as the sun will shine ahh

As far as the sky will fly by I...

Get a kick of you...


Totally sidebar: barnes and nobles bookstore has literally turned into a hangout spot for people to sit on the floor and read the books for free. Wtf?

Why?

Song of the Day Lorenz - Danse Avec Moi.

Yeah so, why?

One thing I have noticed that is very odd is how you'll give someone something you've written to read and they read it and the first thing they say after they've finished reading—or rather, the first question they ask—is, "Did this really happen?"

There are variations. Sometimes it'll be, "Whoa, did that really happen?" or "Did this actually happen to you?" and so on, but they're all really the same thing at heart. I believe this has happened to everybody who has ever given someone something they've written to read. Don't lie. It's true.

Usually, the answer's no. I don't think it's ever been yes, unless it's a sarcastic yes which is the same thing as the answer no. It's weird, really. Why are people compelled to think that whatever you wrote actually happened, usually to you? Most people who write casually don't write nonfiction, because that requires time and research and professionalness. It's like asking Tolkien, "Whoa, did all this really happen to you?," like yeah, it did all happen to Tolkien, and he just decided to give all the places and characters different names—he was really Frodo, and who knows who all those other people and places were?

I'm not sure, but I think it's this wish inside everybody—yes, everybody, everybody who's ever really really enjoyed a good fantasy, at least—that if they really like the world, why can't it be real? It should be real. Even if what you're writing is just something that could easily have happened and the only reason it didn't happen is just because it didn't, people still kind of want it to be, even if they don't care. But usually, it's because people just want this fantasy stuff to be real. It's like, admit it, you know you were disappointed when your closet didn't opened up to Narnia, 'cause I was—there's that feeling that you want Harry Potter to be true and magic and everything, even though you know it's not, because deep inside you both know it's true and just a good piece of fiction. You at least want to be like Alice in Wonderland in a dream.

It's like, what, do they think you have no imagination? That you have to draw everything out from your life? Anything that sounds plausible must have happened, even if it's implausible, and it's kind of weird.

It's the same thing with drawing. You draw a person and someone sees it and they say, "Who is that?" or "Who did you draw?" but usually it's the first one. And when they say who is that, you can just tell they don't mean, "Who is this person that you've made up?," they mean "Who is this person in real life that you must know?" And you're just sitting there thinking what, am I not allowed to come up with some random face out of my head? The answer, of course, is no, you're not. Everything's got to be real and fiction must secretly be nonfiction. The question can't ever be, "Whoa, where'd you get that cool idea?" and the comment can't ever be "Nice drawing," and god forbid you get constructive criticism— "You're missing a comma there that should be a semicolon that character's acting a little flat the head's a bit out of proportion the face doesn't look very realistic."

The worst part is the look on their face or that feeling where you know they're going to say it, but you never just say, "No, it didn't really happen," before they can ask, just because.

There is such a thing as fiction. Accept it for the stuff that could have happened but probably didn't.

But it's still okay to want to go to Narnia.

Ash

But first, Song of the Day: John Mayer - Assassin

Onto the topic at hand.

Ashley. Simple common name, no offense lol.

It means more than that. The person bearing that name means more.

"...I trust you and I feel as if you wouldn't lie to me just to get me going."

This is what she told me more than a couple of years ago. I remember reading that email feeling mad special that out of all the guys, she felt this way about me. And I truly thought she was special. I had no intention of hurting her feelings. Which is why I couldn't lie about what went on. I still regret that.

Moving forward in a way I still can't believe she decided to still be my friend.

Last night we had a heart to heart. Basically trying to make sense out of the various feelings we felt for each other but one thing's for sure and that we feel blessed being just friends.

These days I find myself daydreaming about her. You know the usual...hehe. But also running my fingers through her curly fro. I anxiously wait for her to sign on or check her blog to see if she had updated. I read it religiously now. Yeah my feelings for her are stronger than those she have for me or as she puts it, "I like you a decennnnnntttttt amount." But I certainly don't blame her for being cautious with me or just wanting to be friends. I mean her emotional history with guys period was a rollercoaster. I'm surprised she haven't checked out the other side of the fence. But she hasn't given up hope or became so bitter like most people. Gotta admire that. Even if it won't be myself Ash is the personification of the final piece of the puzzle that a lucky man will find that he's been searching for his whole life.

It's the only way I can put it without being too "mush mush" lol.

We wrote a short story together. And I still have it. And I think we should finish it.

So I shall end this with a haiku:

I wrote a poem,
It is my present to you,
It's the thought that counts.

LMFAO I know you're busting out laughin ahhhhh there goes my sweet spot! But for real...

...your gift is on its way. :) muahahaha...

Happy Birthday Ashley.

Love,

-Chris

Reversed Sexism

Song of the Day: Cam'Ron - Shake.

Weak lyrics wasted on a bangin production.

"See your booty panties, shake somethin, shake somethin, shake shake shake..."

For real dude, couldn't really come up with a better chorus?

"Some of you MC's should be called CM's, Carbon Monoxide
on the mic exposin your polluted bloodtype...."

Yeah so, I believe I'm a victim of reversed sexism. I told a friend of mine I read all four of the Twilight book and she ridiculed me. "Ew, what the hell? It's a girl book."

I love reading anything I can get my hands onto. And to be condemned for reading a "girly book" is outright ridiculous!

I related to Jacob, being in love with a girl who only had eyes for someone else. Couldn't blame a dude for trying and he ALMOST succeeded in Eclipse.

This largely had to do with the fact that the stereotype for females was largely upheld not only by males but females themselves. Females were frilly, giggling creatures that were into pink, clothes shopping, and sappiness. Society had loosened this expectation of females a little, and let them enjoy some of the pastimes that males did. However, society had not done so for guys themselves.

And I proudly told her Breaking Dawn was disappointing because they didn't got down and fight!

Don't put me in that box. I've joined and belong to the most macho club on earth. It tested my manhood, my masculinity is a part of who I am and it's my attitude. HOWEVER, if I dance to somebody like Bob Sinclar and then growl like DMX the next minute, don't look at me sideways. It's who I am.

And yes I await Eclipse the movie that is coming this summer. *diddy* take that, take that....

Yeah so I fell asleep on her thinking about her last night.

Coldddd Blooooddeeed!

Song of the day: Femi Kuti - Beng Beng Beng! Dude looks just like his father Fela. Amazing.

I can't be attracted to a girl who smokes and it shows physically. Her skin is smooth and ebony. Hair ALWAYS curled up in some kind of style. Beautiful easy going smile. She likes to talk shit with me. And oh. She's a coworker and 27. I always seem to fall for the older ones.

But when I stare at her hands. Totally turns a nigga off. It's all blackened from years of holding that cigarette. She rushed out during her lunch to smoke like her life depended on it. Call me a jerk but I wish she'd run out to get a manicure in the same manner. Dry.

Eh. She makes my day go by faster by talking shit. We talked about having a talk show called "Talking Shit." Yeah, we talk mad shit.

And if you're reading...now you know I wouldn't EVER send you such a thing! WOW LMFAO! You truly believed me lol. I didn't even figure out what I'm gonna get you yet and trust me, it'll be something you'll love. Just wanted to have fun with ya lmao.

:-P

I will never say that again...

...that I've got nothing.

Family and friends all lined up.. The first note begins, and all is quiet...

What is war? Well, you could look it up in a dictionary and read the "proper" definition of the word. But it's not just a word; it's a struggle to keep your own life. You can't determine what a war is just by reading a definition. The only way that you can understand a war is if you've actually been there. You can watch videos of reenactments, but it's still not the same. You won't know what a war is until you've seen it through your own eyes. You won't know what a war is until you've heard the sound of a bullet fly past your face. You won't know what a war is until you've smelt the smell of gunpowder and death. You won't know what a war is until you've felt the pain of losing someone you cared about-until you've felt the cool breeze that makes everything seem so right, when it's all wrong. You won't know a war until you've spent nights praying to God that you'd return home to your family...

You've known war when you see those clean sheets that just call your name, and you can't wait to finally rest. You've known war when you still hear the screams of men and women fighting for their freedom, and it just wont go away. You've known war when you can feel the joy of receiving a kiss from a loved one. You've known war when you taste the clean water coming from a real shower. You've known war when you've thanked God for returning you to your family.

You understand war when you see those coffins covered with the American flag that you fought for so honorably. You understand war when you can hear the pain from families of young men and women that gave their lives for freedom. You understand war when you taste the tears falling down your face, and you know that you gave it your all. You understand war when you feel proud to have served your country. You understand war when you feel blessed for all that you have. You understand war when you've asked God that no one has to see what you saw, or do what you did.

The last note sounds. and a twenty-one salute.. Do you understand now?

So I've inspired.

To create a blog just for my sole purpose. Don't care who reads, don't care who don't.

But I guess I've should've kept a personal journal, but my hand does hurt after writing for too long. Typing will do.

Shout-out to my homey Ash whom I haven't heard from in a few days. I'm still waiting for the approval.

Song of the day: K'Naan - Take A Minute.

So I read her blog, the recent ones and damn.

Damn.

Sucks yo.

Made me all...inspired to kinda, sorta, pour my heart out.

I...

...got nothing.

*slumps*

This will do.